North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
when someone compliments me
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
and now we wait
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t