Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.