Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Where is your GOD now????
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.