Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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wife
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me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever