[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.