You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
This is Sparta
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Netflix and you sit over there.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome