I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
You Might Also Like
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious