Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?