*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.