*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You Might Also Like
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
kevin is now a local weatherman
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!