*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
No chill.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
absolutely not
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids