* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.