OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.