I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My favorite farside!!
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.