Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas