Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft