Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
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God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Lmao 🤣
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look