I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.