just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’