My life coach traded me.
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’d … I’d rather not.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again