Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I hope Alan is OK
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Lmao
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.