rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes