How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
You Might Also Like
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Wait for it
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Finally
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.