Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”