Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all