me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
wow
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick