When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe