everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.