If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
a god among men
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
12653.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.