Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”