ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well