Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”