On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
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Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
President The Rock Obama
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.