Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.