Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
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Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
This is the best one I’ve seen
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
584.