At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]