Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You Might Also Like
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Still a very good boi….
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The struggle is real.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.