Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know