“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
R.I.P.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?