Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out