Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
me irl
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.