Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.