You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You Might Also Like
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Dammit Chief not again
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili