I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Mornin
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
meow
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
me working on my assignments ^-^
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit