Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.