some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)