Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
where the womens at?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
who wants to go expliring
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.