so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
That’s easy for you to say
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore