waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.