*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not